pushover-grapes

29.06.11

House Elves To Step In During Teachers Strike

Posted in Pagan News at 12:38 pm

It has been announced today that in line with plans to bring in parents to help out in Muggle shools during the expected strike by teachers this Thursday, Hogwarts will be utilising their house elves in a similar capacity. Most parents are happy about the plans but there has been some discontent amongst some of the “pure blood” parents.  Sopholis P. Gertrudge of the Hampshire Gertrudges, complained that it was not fitting that his daughter Aubretia  should be put in a situation where she would have to show respect to a house elf.  “It is my opinion” said Mr. Gertrudge “that the teachers are behaving in an irresponsible manner by leaving our children in the care of what can only be described “as inferior beings” “. In response, Jeggle Pod a representative for the Hogwarts house elves added “Us house elves are used to being abused by certain members of the Wizarding community but you think they would be a bit  more grateful, after all it’s thanks to us that they don’t have to put up with their little b*****s back home for an extra day!”

Head of Pastoral Care at Hogwarts, Levictus Stikwell told us that there had been no other option but to use the house elves “Nobody else wanted to look after the little brats  and the house elves have to do what they’re told anyway”.

Teachers are striking due to the Ministry’s determination to raise the retirement age which currently stands at 77 to 96 and to half the state pension from 84 sickles and 22 knuts to 41 sickles and 11 knuts per week.

 

Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood

Bookmark and Share

28.06.11

Creationist school appears out of nowhere

Posted in Pagan News at 11:06 am

Scientists are said to be ‘baffled’ after a school teaching Creationism suddenly appeared overnight in a Hampshire field complete with a full retinue of teachers and pupils.

St Usshers Junior Mixed Infants is being heralded as the world’s first truly Creationist school, miraculously emerging out of the dust in what is believed to be the first recorded example of educational genesis.

Read the full story over at NewsBiscuit.

Bookmark and Share

Fairies Outraged That Their Cover Has Been Blown

Posted in Pagan News at 10:35 am

Following the press release two weeks ago in a Northumberland newspaper, of photographs depicting what appear to be fairies, members of Keep Elves, Redcaps and Fairies Underwraps For Fear of Losing Elusiveness have been expressing their anger at increasing (albeit accidental) incursions by humans with digital cameras into their privacy. Spokesman for KERFUFFLE, Oblog Jig spoke of the dismay and disappointment of its members over the release of the photographs. “It’s getting so you can’t go about your daily business without humans and their confounded magic boxes lurking behind every tree!” wailed Jig. “Just the other day Mrs. Jig was answering a call of nature, when up jumped six members of the Ramblers Association. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem but they stopped to take a snap of themselves and unfortunately the missus showed up on their fancy digital thingummyjig. She had to bid a hasty retreat for fear of being trampled in the ensuing melee of hiking boots and Nordic walking poles. The old fashioned magic boxes weren’t a problem you see as by the time the film had been developed, fairies had flown the area, so to speak.”

When asked if the KERFUFFLE members were likely to take any action, Mr. Jig confirmed that there would be mass mischief making taking place worldwide. This would take the form of turning milk sour, removing one sock from a pair, hiding TV remote controls, stealing ladies underwear from clothes lines (Mr. Jig informed us that this was a particular favourite as male humans always got the blame for this) and other related high jinks likely to cause annoyance to the humans.

In a final comment, having been asked if the action would make any difference to the problem, Mr. Jig replied “No, but it will make our members feel a lot better and generally give us all a good laugh!”

Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood

Bookmark and Share

27.06.11

The Burning Times, Now on FaceBook!

Posted in Site Info Blog at 11:16 am

The Burning Times is now available as a FaceBook App and Page. Add us here! and here.

Bookmark and Share

25.05.11

One part of Obama’s entourage who won’t be appearing in any official photos

Posted in Pagan News at 1:31 pm

In any presidential official visit, a hefty entourage of supporting staff is inevitable. The bodyguards, hairdresser, the drivers, the valets, advisors and so on. But one member of the entourage is never mentioned in public and is a shadowy, but critical presence: that of the official White House Wizard.

It was natural, one supposes, that when deciding on a code-name for this important staff member, that the FBI would choose “Merlin”, and indeed the similarities between the mythological “Arthur” and Obama have not gone unreported. Insiders report that Merlin (nobody knows his real name) was the one who gave Obama his “Yes we can!” mantra as a variation on “So Mote it Be” which, of course, it would be impossible for any non-magickal person to use. Merlin is quietly credited as being one of Patrick Stewart’s advisors who suggested he use “Make it so” for his character Jean Luc Picard’s catchphrase.

But what is Merlin’s function? Nobody is quite sure, though things seem to run more smoothly for the Obamas when he’s on duty. The recent problems the Obama administration had with the Healthcare Reform bill are attributed to the fact that Merlin was on an extended excursion to Wooky Hole Caves. Merlin is also credited with ensuring Michelle Obama has a good hair day, something which is vital to ensure the smooth running of the White House.

While Merlin’s presence is likely to go unregarded by the Muggle media, it is unlikely to be missed by the Government who have their own Grand High Wizard of the Red Dressing Gown in charge of government policy. It is envisaged that both Wizards will have much to discuss once they have completed the traditional wand-waving-I-was-trained-by-Gerald/Alex-my-coven’s-older-than-yours contest. No doubt matters of grave national interest, like amendments to the Organic Incense Act 2003, and the Permissible Familiars Act 1564 will be under discussion. Burning Times will of course be following these discussions and will report back in the event that there is any agreement reached.  (No liability can be held for those who hold their breaths waiting on any agreements being reached and therefore die as a result).

Bookmark and Share