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30.06.11

Bored Mermaids Wreak Havoc On South Coast

Posted in Pagan News at 6:18 pm

It was revealed today that the strange tidal phenomena experienced along the South Coast of England yesterday were caused by mermaids. There was much confusion and alarm as people reported rivers flowing backwards, a mini tsunami and varying sea levesl stretching from Penzance to Portsmouth. Scientists tried to dismiss this with explanations of an undersea landslide in an effort to quell any panic but the Burning Times has received exclusive information which reveals that this was in fact due to a group of bored mermaids.

Well known Cornish mermaid and shop owner Nymphadora Oddfish confided that she had been informed (by a reliable source) that the antics of a few bored mermaids had caused the problems experiened along the South Coast. “People don’t realise” she stated “just how powerful mermaids can be and they can become particularly mischievious when they have nothing to do, though even I must admit they have excelled themselves this time”. Ms. Oddfish was asked why the mermaids were bored and replied “Well with so many people glued to their TV’s watching Wimbledon, there are less folk about for the mermaids to tease and torment. Hopefully once the tennis is finished things should return to normal”. In a final comment Ms Oddfish advised everyone to be on their guards next year when the Olympics are in full swing, as the mermaids may well be tempted to cause further mayhem.

 

Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood

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29.06.11

House Elves To Step In During Teachers Strike

Posted in Pagan News at 12:38 pm

It has been announced today that in line with plans to bring in parents to help out in Muggle shools during the expected strike by teachers this Thursday, Hogwarts will be utilising their house elves in a similar capacity. Most parents are happy about the plans but there has been some discontent amongst some of the “pure blood” parents.  Sopholis P. Gertrudge of the Hampshire Gertrudges, complained that it was not fitting that his daughter Aubretia  should be put in a situation where she would have to show respect to a house elf.  “It is my opinion” said Mr. Gertrudge “that the teachers are behaving in an irresponsible manner by leaving our children in the care of what can only be described “as inferior beings” “. In response, Jeggle Pod a representative for the Hogwarts house elves added “Us house elves are used to being abused by certain members of the Wizarding community but you think they would be a bit  more grateful, after all it’s thanks to us that they don’t have to put up with their little b*****s back home for an extra day!”

Head of Pastoral Care at Hogwarts, Levictus Stikwell told us that there had been no other option but to use the house elves “Nobody else wanted to look after the little brats  and the house elves have to do what they’re told anyway”.

Teachers are striking due to the Ministry’s determination to raise the retirement age which currently stands at 77 to 96 and to half the state pension from 84 sickles and 22 knuts to 41 sickles and 11 knuts per week.

 

Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood

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28.06.11

Creationist school appears out of nowhere

Posted in Pagan News at 11:06 am

Scientists are said to be ‘baffled’ after a school teaching Creationism suddenly appeared overnight in a Hampshire field complete with a full retinue of teachers and pupils.

St Usshers Junior Mixed Infants is being heralded as the world’s first truly Creationist school, miraculously emerging out of the dust in what is believed to be the first recorded example of educational genesis.

Read the full story over at NewsBiscuit.

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Fairies Outraged That Their Cover Has Been Blown

Posted in Pagan News at 10:35 am

Following the press release two weeks ago in a Northumberland newspaper, of photographs depicting what appear to be fairies, members of Keep Elves, Redcaps and Fairies Underwraps For Fear of Losing Elusiveness have been expressing their anger at increasing (albeit accidental) incursions by humans with digital cameras into their privacy. Spokesman for KERFUFFLE, Oblog Jig spoke of the dismay and disappointment of its members over the release of the photographs. “It’s getting so you can’t go about your daily business without humans and their confounded magic boxes lurking behind every tree!” wailed Jig. “Just the other day Mrs. Jig was answering a call of nature, when up jumped six members of the Ramblers Association. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem but they stopped to take a snap of themselves and unfortunately the missus showed up on their fancy digital thingummyjig. She had to bid a hasty retreat for fear of being trampled in the ensuing melee of hiking boots and Nordic walking poles. The old fashioned magic boxes weren’t a problem you see as by the time the film had been developed, fairies had flown the area, so to speak.”

When asked if the KERFUFFLE members were likely to take any action, Mr. Jig confirmed that there would be mass mischief making taking place worldwide. This would take the form of turning milk sour, removing one sock from a pair, hiding TV remote controls, stealing ladies underwear from clothes lines (Mr. Jig informed us that this was a particular favourite as male humans always got the blame for this) and other related high jinks likely to cause annoyance to the humans.

In a final comment, having been asked if the action would make any difference to the problem, Mr. Jig replied “No, but it will make our members feel a lot better and generally give us all a good laugh!”

Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood

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27.06.11

The Burning Times, Now on FaceBook!

Posted in Site Info Blog at 11:16 am

The Burning Times is now available as a FaceBook App and Page. Add us here! and here.

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