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17.03.11

Homeopathic virus checker for PC released

Posted in Pagan News at 8:06 am

The centre for homeopathic sciences in Swansea are set to release the first homeopathic virus protection system for windows PC.

“We took a cross section of the most destructive PC viruses, and mixed them with large files of empty bits” explains head Scientist Dr. David Lute. “Repeating the process many hundreds of times, the harmful virus code is virtually eliminated, however, due to the phenomena known as bit memory, the resulting empty file protects the host system against a multitude of harmful PC viruses”.

The empty file will be available for download for only $19.95 from the centre’s website. A Mac version is planned for future release.

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16.03.11

Homeopathic study into low-fat milk shocker.

Posted in Pagan News at 10:01 am

A study by the centre for homeopathic sciences in Swansea, released today has sent shock waves through the nutritional science world.

A panel of test subjects were placed on an identical calorie controlled diet, however different groups were given full fat, semi skimmed and skimmed milk.

Contrary to conventional beliefs, it was found that the lower the fat content of the milk, the greater the weight gain by test subjects.

Homeopathic Scientist, Dr. David Lute explained the findings, due to the memory effect of water, the greater the dilution of fat the more powerful the effect on the human body.

Sales of bottled water are expected to plummet following the news, while lard sales are expected to soar.

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15.03.11

Recognition for Paganism at Olympics

Posted in Pagan News at 4:18 pm

London’s 2012 Olympics will be the first of modern times to cater to that ancient religion, Paganism.

While the Olympics started in ancient Pagan Greece, the modern incarnation has taken place in a Christianised society, with only symbolic gestures to link to its ancient origins.

However, in an effort to demonstrate to the world just how multicultural London is, provision is to be made to accommodate Pagan participants.

“Paganism is the world’s fastest growing religion and we have to accommodate all faiths, no matter how silly they seem to be”, a spokesman from the Olympic Committe said.

He added, “Besides, the Romanian witches threatened to hex us if we didn’t”.

Burning Times understands that provisions will include setting up a replica Stonehenge in the Velodrome, which is to have special drainage channels installed to drain away the blood after any ritual sacrifices. However, discussions with the Druids of Tintagel to carry out an opening ceremony sacrifice to ensure that the Games are a success have stalled, after some of the Druid grove dissented about the decision to not use the traditional wicker-man.

The Olympic Committee has deviated from precedent and is permitting Pagan athletes to choose the Pagan Anthem “We all come from the Goddess” in place of their country’s national anthem.

In addition, Pagan athletes can choose to wear their ritual velvet cloak, or even go skyclad, instead of the more traditional track suits at the opening ceremony.

Perhaps predictably, there has been outcry from some of the more established faiths in Britain. The Archbishop of Bognor called it a “travesty” and he would be liaising with other church leaders to try to convert any Pagans to the True Faith.

But shopkeepers in Glastonbury welcomed the moves. One said that she would definitely be setting up a stall there to sell her ancient Pagan witchcraft tools, and that she would expect most other shopkeepers there to decamp to London for the duration of the Games.

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“Light” and “dark” witches to be counted in Census follow-up

Posted in Pagan News at 3:48 pm

Secret plans are underway to establish whether Britain’s witches are white/light (good) or dark (evil).

Burning Times has learned that as a follow up to the forthcoming National Census, the Government plans to issue a further questionnaire to everyone who puts “Pagan” on their Census form, and ask them to self-identify as “white/light” or “dark”. It is understood that this information will be used to aid the Government’s anti-terrorist investigations, with those identifying themselves as “dark” being investigated further to establish whether there are links with known terrorist organisations. “White/light” witches will be exempt from any further investigations.

It is the first time that the Government has sought to quantify the number of “light and dark” witches. Burning Times could find no-one from ONS willing to go on the record about this, but spoke to one individual who said that the Government was cracking down on undesirable elements of society, and so dividing Pagans into “light” or “dark” was as good a way as any to start.

The National Census takes place on 27 March.

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