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29.10.08

The Burning Times, Now on Twitter!

Posted in Site Info Blog at 12:37 am

You can now Follow us on Twitter.

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Church Cancells Samhain!

Posted in Pagan News at 12:30 am

A statement by the Church released today heralded the cancellation of Samhain and Halloween.
This will be the first time the festival has been cancelled since the year 354 when the reigning monarch declared the entire month of October was illegal and temporarily added an extra 31 days to the month of September.

A spokes-bishop took the time to address the gathered press and gave the following statement to our reporter.
“Samhain or Halloween is based on the Ancient Christian festival of All Saints, as such it is clear that the church has the right to cancel this pagan festival of darkness, this has been confirmed by our crack team of Holy Lawyers, Personally, I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner. See you all in Church.”

So there we have it, cancel any plans you had for Friday and put your feet up in front of the telly instead.

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11.10.08

First Pagan Space Programme Announced

Posted in Pagan News at 12:15 pm

The Independent Republic of Pagans (IRP), first founded in 1999 at the Hob Goblin in Reading, profess an independent state within Great Britain comprising of 52 square feet and an out-house. Today they announced their intentions to go into space later this year.

Their Lord and Leader, Red-Bearded Mahone, came to the door of the Presidential Palace at 478b Oxford Road to make the announcement public this morning.

Dressed in his red flannel robes of state he addressed the crowds in a solemn, slightly hung-over, tone and then proceeded to pick grilled cheese from his beard and eat it as the plans were brought forward by his deputy.

“We live in interesting times,” announced Mahone, “ones in which us pagans must embrace the times; must reach for the stars…”

When asked where inspiration for the design had come from, Mahone explained: “Our vision was simple: a giant, planet-sized carrot.”

Meanwhile the Yagdrasil Army of Real Pagans (YARP) are outraged, claiming that the design for the two-mile long orange vegetable-shaped vessel was in fact their idea and threatening to take IRP to court over breach of copyright.

This is not the first time that YARP and IRP have come to blows. In November 2004 YARP claim that their design for the first ever Pagan deep-sea submarine called the Sea Cucumber, was also snatched and turned into a farcical attempt to navigate the River Thames disguised as a long, brown turd.

“It was a mockery,” exclaimed Martin Over, spokesperson for YARP, “It looked nothing like a sea cucumber!”

If building goes to plan, IRP expect to launch their first deep-space attempt in time for Yule.

“We hope to be drinking mead on the moon this year,” Mahone said optimistically.

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09.10.08

Knackers Yard to “CASH IN” on Ritual

Posted in Pagan News at 10:15 am

In what can only be described as either genius or (more likely) sheer madness an announcement from a leading “Knackers Yard” today could solve the problem of so called Occult Horse Attacks.
Although Pagans have long protested that there is no such thing as Occult Ritual Horse attacks, their calls have fallen on deaf ears in the popular press and one enterprising Knackerman has taken reports of local “Occult Ritual Horse Attacks” and hopes to turn a tidy profit from a “New and as yet untaped market”.

As an addition to the more usual Dog food and Glue Mr. Trottbagger of Trottbagger and Sons Knackery is to offer services to Occultists. “It doesn’t matter to me if the old nags end up as glue, fertilizer, dog food or used in some bizarre occult mumbo jumbo so long as I gets me cash” Mr. Trottbagger said to gathered reporters.

Representatives of Local Occult groups, Equestrian groups and pretty much everyone else we asked were heard to remark that this was the craziest thing they had ever heard.

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08.10.08

Whispering Knights Cause Shouts of Protest

Posted in Pagan News at 7:31 am

Following a string of complaints from Rollright residents, our reporter under-cover Wanda Wagglewad headed to this once sleepy rural village to investigate.

The village of Great Rollright has for many centuries been the epitome of quintessentially British peach and tranquillity. Sitting atop the border of Oxfordshire and Warwickshire it has long attracted antiquarians from across the country to admire its ancient stone circle.

All of this changed last month however when residents began to complain in their droves of late-night noise and rowdy behaviour from the once whispering Knights.

These stones of old make up part of a ritual burial mound in the field adjacent to the main circle. It has been common knowledge throughout ages past that at midnight each night these gentle giants roll down to the stream to drink before tucking in for the night.

No one is quite sure why, but residents report that as of last month the stones have deviated from their usual routine. Instead of going to the stream to drink, they have been going further afield, to the Blue Boar at Chipping Norton.

One villager who does not wish to be named for fear of reprisals sated: “They come home at all hours, such a racket they make, they wake the whole village up.”

Another local man explained “I was almost killed last week by one rolling home drunk. Right down the middle of the road he came, singing something about not getting no satisfaction.”

One possible motive for such raucous behaviours has been blamed on the increase in donations made to the site. Professor Dibblington of Antiquated Stone Studies at nearby Oxford University explained:

“In the old days people weren’t so rich, or ‘bling’ if you like, they would visit the stones and maybe leave ten pence or a small piece of crystal in an orifices as an offering. It wasn’t much but it was of huge sentimental value. Today people earn far more money and don’t think twice about stuffing a fiver into their pocket or leaving a valuable time-piece, such as a Cartier wrist watch.”

Professor Dibblington’s theory is that the Knights have been cashing in these valuable offerings to fund their drinking binges and suggests that the only way to curb this trend would be to give the offering to a committee of villagers who can ensure that the money is used to rehabilitate and detox the stones rather than giving it directly to the stones which only fuels the problem.

The troubles came to a head last year when the Knights returned home so drunk that they decided to play a practical joke on their neighbouring stones by coating them in red paint. This caused huge national outrage and many thousands of pound were spent in clean-up operations and counselling.

Locals are worried that if the binging remains unchecked, worse is to follow.

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