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21.10.07

Government Spellcaster blamed for England defeat

Posted in Pagan News at 11:30 am

Anger was growing last night following England’s defeat at the Rugby World Cup in Paris at the hands of the South Africans. Disgruntled fans, who had been assured by the media that England would definitely win, were looking to the government for answers as to why this win did not materialise. The players themselves, who had been looking forward to a victorious welcome home, topped off with knighthoods and a spot on a celebrity “reality” TV show were said to be absolutely distraught at their defeat.

Government officials had indicated that Lord Carlyon of Hogwash, the Government’s Official Spellcaster, had been working hard to ensure an English victory. Knowing how important this win was to England as it would enable them to gloat for the next 40 years no matter what, Lord Carlyon had been instructed to pour all his energies into making it happen. A new department had been set up, Department of Occult and Obscure Magick (DOOM) but some consider that the acronym of the department may have had something to do with the defeat.

One of DOOM’s sister departments (Branch for Unspecified Malign Manifestations and Eventual Repercussions) BUMMER, said that Lord Carlyon’s position was looking distinctly shaky at the moment. His Canute-like inability to stop the flooding which devastated England during the “summer” led to some rumours that his powers may be waning, and this latest debacle in his anus horribilis has led some insiders to speculate that his reign may soon be over.

An insider from DOOM said that steps were already underway to appoint a new Government Spellcaster, and that approaches to the eminent magician, Paul Daniels, had been made.

Burning Times contacted Paul Daniels and was welcomed in by his lovely wife, Debbie McGee, who asked us to wait a moment while her millionaire husband adjusted his new toupee. When Burning Times asked Mr Daniels for his views on his becoming the new Government Spellcaster, Mr Daniels said that “I’d like that! But not a lot!”

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16.10.07

Church issues warning over ‘paganing’ drug.

Posted in Pagan News at 6:45 am

The church has issued a press release warning all good Christians to be on their guard following the discovery that pagans are using a new ‘paganing’ drug to convert God-fearing Christians to their evil Pagan cult.

The drug in question is known as Paganol and often has a pentagram or devil’s star pattern on one side .
Paganol has a psychotropic and hallucinogenic affect on its victims which, in conjunction with some carefully chosen words from the Pagan attacker will cause the victim to deny their Christian faith and convert to Paganism.

In low doses the effects are reversible with the help of a trained Christian minister, in high doses however the effect is irreversible.

Other symptoms shown by a Paganol victim include a fascination with Crystals and wearing the colours Purple, Red, and Gold.

Victims and the families/friends of suspected victims are urged to contact their local church for help.

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