Druid War over!

Posted in Pagan News at 8:20 pm

The war between druids is now over,  confirmed a spokesman from ABD.

A spokesman from CODO said “No.  I can categorically confirm that it is not”.

More confusion to follow.

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Financial Update

Posted in Pagan News at 12:39 pm

The latest updates from the floors of the international Pagan financial centres of Glastonbury, Uluru and Los Angeles.

The WITCHY ended the day down 20 points following news that the Carlyon Corp. had unexpected end year expenses for paternity suits and payments for term time holidays to Florida with the “girls”.

Crystal Futures continue strong growth on rumours of a merger of two of the world’s larges crystal production companies. Gaia Strip Mining Ltd and Mother Earth Minerals have both confirmed that they are in talks to form a new company called Pagans 4 Profits Inc. Both companies are currently negotiating with the US Government for the rights to dig up Alaska for the estimated 20kg of precious healing crystals thought to be buried under some worthless polar bears and scenery.

The markets were shocked by the announcement that Chairman of the Druid Corporation of Great Britain, David Icke, and the Chairman of the Great British Corporation of Druids, David Blane, were actually really good mates who agreed about most things. In fact they are planning to go for a couple of pints after work on Friday and maybe a few games of pool. The Chairman of Druids R Us commented, “Pool?! Utter bollocks! Darts is a man’s game!”

Trading in Magick Commodities has been suspended pending an investigation into the correct spelling of Magick/Magic, the result of which is expected with three to four hundred years.

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Lord Carlyon to retain government post

Posted in Pagan News at 5:20 pm

Lord Carlyon of Hogwash was today confirmed as retaining his position as official spellcaster to the Prime Minister.

Government officials confirmed his appointment, stating that it was mainly to stop Lord Carlyon throwing a huge strop and sulking for days.

They refused to confirm reports that the appointment was also intended to persuade Lord Carlyon to remove his spell on Gordon Brown.    Burning Times understands that the additional smiling Mr Brown has been doing recently is as a result of Lord Carlyon’s intervention.

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Male member not welcome with Dianic group

Posted in Pagan News at 4:59 am

A Dianic pagan group in Wiltshire coule be in legal hot-water after they expelled a new member upon discovering he was a man.
The group operates a strict Women Only rule in line with the majority of Dianic covens and accepted applicant, Bob Jenkinson, on the misconception that He was in fact a She.

“They were quite happy to teach me via post, the tinternet and by phone” Bob told The Burning Times, “but when I turned up for a meeting they went crazy and wouldn’t let me in unless they had first ‘cut off my boy bits’, although I wanted to join the coven I wasn’t prepared to do that”.

When asked for a statement a spokes-woman for the coven said he (Bob) has a “very girly voice on the phone” and it was a mistake anyone could have made. She was very sorry for any inconvenience to Mr. Jenkinson but stated that male members were not welcome in their coven.

Bob intends to go to the European court of human rights with claims of gender discrimination.

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Love and Light to split

Posted in Pagan News at 2:31 pm

We all thought it was a match made in heaven but the dream romance came crashing to earth this week when Light finally had enough and filed for divorce from Love citing Irrevocable Differences and Loves long standing battle with alcoholism.

An as yet un-named Hot-Shot hollywood divorce lawyer has been hired by Light, who in light of the rumoured pre-nuptual agreement is expected to take Love to the cleaners.

Rumours of an affair between Light and Dark sparked rumours of trouble earlier this year but were denied by both parties.

A source close to the couple gave this statement.
“There has been trouble in the household for some time now, Love would come in late at night, drunk, and Light just couldnt take any more, It hasn’t been all love and light for some time now, it was a fairytale partnership for a while there but they came back to reality with a crash and I guess thats that.”

Love left the family home earlier this week and is thought to be sleeping on the couch at his best mate Hate’s place.

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