Druid group in hostile takeover bid

Posted in Pagan News at 11:23 am

Druid group ABD members awoke this morning to find their group had been aquired by rival Druid group CODO overnight in a hostile takeover.

It is unclear at this point if CODO intend to run ABD as a seperate entity or if they 2 organisations will merge.

Representitives from a group calling themselves the Real ABD intend to appeal to the monopolies commission as soon as they receive their 200 pounds for passing go.

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The True Path of the Witch

Posted in Pagan News at 10:27 am

Archaeologists who recently uncovered Paganism’s Ancient Path have now revealed another surprising discovery. Today’s “true” witches claim their lineage can be traced back to the Red Thread Path. This claim to historical authenticity is now in dispute, following revelations that in fact, the ancient Pagan witches followed the Yellow Brick Road. Archaeologists revealed the original path was in fact yellow and made of brick, casting doubt on any claims to the Red Thread one being based on any historical fact.

“We can only assume they just made it up” said one of the senior archaeologists. “It’s quite clear, when you’re there on the ground, that witches followed a yellow brick road to wherever it led, presumably the rainbow’s end. We uncovered many ancient witchcraft artefacts, such as athames, scourges and, more excitingly, a partially complete book of shadows”

The Burning Times correspondent approached the spokesperson of WTT (Witchier Than Thou) for their comments on the discovery, but were warned “publish any of that nonsense and we’ll sue. WE are the only true witchcraft”.

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Pagans to go to the Moon.

Posted in Pagan News at 1:46 am

An international mission to once again send mankind to its nearest celestial neighbor is to include at least 1 representative of Paganism. Mission bosses have approached top pagan organisations including DoWaP, the PF and the Royal Institute of Pagan Organisations and Federations asking for nominations of a suitably science friendly pagan to send on this monumental mission.
Mission astronauts are said to be looking forward to having their guest worshiping the ground they are bouncing on.

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Sneak preview of new Harry Potter book

Posted in Pagan News at 1:03 pm

It may only be a few short weeks now until the world finally finds out what happens to Harry Potter, but The Burning Times has managed to obtain some of the content of the final book, a situation which could cause embarrassment to those at the publishing house, Unseen University.

JK Rowling’s final Harry Potter instalment is one of the most eagerly awaited books of all time.  The seventh in the series, it follows the life of Harry Potter, a boy wizard (also known as a wiccan).   Although considered by “muggles” to be nothing more than a fictitious story, Pagans are well aware that the books chart the history of one of the most violent and dangerous times in Pagan history.  The books are required reading for all Pagans, partly due to the spell-craft instructions which are disguised within the stories.  Extrapolating the instructions and using them as bona fide spells are part of the curriculum Book of Shadows for all young wiccans/witches, and the long war between Voldemort and white witches/wizards forms the foundation of modern Pagan society’s morals and codes of conduct.  The Threefold Law came about as a direct result of Voldemort’s killing of James and Lily Potter and attempted killing of Harry.

Unseen University has only permitted phased releasing of the instalments because, as it says, it has “a responsibility to keep things unseen and therefore to itself”.

There had been rumours that Harry had become immersed and unduly influenced by the poetry of Pete Doherty, and that this had developed into something of a “habit”, but these rumours were dismissed by UU as “nothing but smoke”.

The leaking of the new book is sure to cause embarrassment to UU which has had a number of high profile mishaps in the past.


“No!  Harry!”


“Bugger off!”

“said Harry fiercely”


“looking through the window, he could see a shape moving about”





“I am your father, Harry”

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Original ancient path uncovered

Posted in Pagan News at 11:02 am

Archaeologists and religious researchers at a top U.K. University have published the results of an extensive 5 year research programme into the various pagan religions of ancient Britain.

Their results have been described by some major Pagan organisations as “Suprising” (DoWaP), “A load of bollocks” (RiPoF), “They got a grant to come up with that crap did they? arse!” (ABD) and “The opposite of whatever ADB said” (CODO).

The research goes into detail of the beliefs and practices of the Druid, Celt and Viking groups and concludes that all 3 groups were based on a more ancient belief system worshiping 2 main elements of “Love” and “Light”.

The Viking group in particular is reported to have received “a very bad press” from later Christian groups and noted that “they weren’t nasty like that at all, really”.

An early “Dianic” group was also evident however unlike their modern descendents the original group had a very strong male influence in addition to the female.

Evidence was presented to support the groups “all getting along with each other” and even suggested a large degree of social interaction between them.

A link to the research may be found here.

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