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13.03.07

Would-Be Witch Joins US Army

Posted in Pagan News at 10:11 am

Marvin Prendergast, 19, of Stubbsville, Iowa, thought he was signing up for Witchcraft 101 when he unwittingly joined the US Army he claims.

“I’d seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed,” he says, “and I thought it would be pretty cool to be able to do magic stuff like that.”

“And I thought that if I got to meet chicks like Buffy and Phoebe that would be a real bonus!”

“So when I saw an advertisement in the paper that they were looking for volunteers I sent right off for more information.”

Prendergast, a high-school drop-out and previously unemployed, says that when he received enrollment papers he was so keen to learn about witchcraft that he filled in his details and signed on the bottom line without taking the trouble to read them properly.

“I thought it was pretty strange when I got orders telling me to report to Fort Dix,” he recalls.

“But I went along as ordered and next thing I found I’d joined the US Army!”

“I thought a Pentagon was that thing Buffy wears around her neck,” concluded Private Second Class Prendergast sadly.

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12.03.07

Global Warming Threat To Rituals

Posted in Pagan News at 9:20 am

As global warming brings Mediterranean-style summers to Britain practitioners of skyclad ritual are being warned to cover up.

Soaring temperatures and rising levels of UV radiation are adding another risk to that of being caught by ramblers.

Drago Palmarosa a Gardnerian from Norfolk explained, “We were doing a simple ritual one lovely day last summer. As the weather was so nice we took our time over cleansing the sacred area and then we cast the circle, LBRP, the usual thing, when I realised that my shoulders were itching. Then it wasn’t just my shoulders and other parts of my body were turning sore and red.”

“Well you can’t just run off out of the circle to get some sun cream can you? I had to wait until the HP had finished and released the circle so I could cover up and run to the nearest chemist.”

“My good lady wife was on the other side of the circle facing north and she got burnt too!”

Drago’s partner, Topaz Spellcaster said, “Well, when your on holiday in Torremolinos you slap on the factor 15 don’t you? But you don’t expect to have to do that at a ritual in Norfolk! I couldn’t sit down for days!”

And it’s not just the sun that’s causing problems.

Cernunnos Monkshood, a witch from Wester Ross, was performing a solitary ritual skyclad when he got bitten in a very painful place. “I was in a clearing in the local woods consecrating a new tool when I heard a high-pitched whine and a got bitten by a mosquito on, umm, my old tool,” he told Burning Times. “I’ve never seen mosquitoes in Wester Ross before. Midges yes, but not mosquitoes. When I got home and showed the priestess she was most impressed by the swelling until I explained what had caused it!”

Professor Cadwallader of Metropolitan University commented, “This goes some way to explaining something that has puzzled comparative theologians for a long time.”

“We never understood why adherents of the Middle Eastern and Asian religions wear so many clothes while the old religions in the wet and misty British Isles practise without clothes. Now we know why – they could do so without getting burnt or bitten!”

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