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23.09.06

Trading Standards Investigates Pagan Shop

Posted in Pagan News at 7:07 pm

A pagan supplies shop in Glastonbury has come under investigation after customers complained to Trading Standards about certain items it was selling. Burning Times has learnt that the owner known as Ms Fiscus, was selling home made spell kits for £45 a bag. It is the contents of the bag that is being investigated since Ms Fiscus has created and designed her own spells and colour correspondences which include colours that cannot be seen using normal vision. The spell kits include a candle whose colour is supposed to be visible only when using ones inner eye and this is where Trading Standards have recieved the biggest complaints so far. It appears that the candles are white, and at only 2″ tall cost £29.99 to be replaced. Trading Standards have seized all of Ms Fiscus’s remaining stock whilst they run tests to assess the truth behind the claims of the candles true colour.

Interviewed by our Burning Times reporter Ms Fiscus, who lives in 10 bedroom mansion, hotly denies any wrong doing, “I have been in this business for nearly 65 years, and I have never ever been investigated before or had any complaints. Nobody has ever bloody dared too before, ” she said indignantly before adding, ” And I’ll ask you to strike that last comment off the record”.

Trading Standards has refused to comment on the case stating it was confidential. However Burning Times has been told in confidence by a member of the local Trading Standards team that they are actually struggling to find a method of testing these white candles using their inner eyes, but they deny that Ms Fiscus offered to teach them lessons in this at £75 a time.

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21.09.06

New Pagan Emblem to End Confusion

Posted in Pagan News at 3:10 pm

How often have you been forced to explain that your pentacle does not make you a Satanist, or your Mjolnir a carpenter? Well our troubles will soon be over.

A think tank was set up in May comprising members of the Pagan Federation, Heathens for Progress and the Harry Potter Fan Club, and charged with the sole purpose of designing a new universal and inclusive emblem for the many paths of Paganism. After months of speculation and general bewilderment, the new Pagan emblem can be revealed exclusively by The Burning Times.

Read the rest of this entry »

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18.09.06

Zodiac to include “The Badger”

Posted in Pagan News at 2:04 pm

News Biscuit broke startling news recently about the discovery of a new zodiac sign, “The Badger”.
A spokesperson for the Department of Witchcraft and Paganism (DoWaP) has assured us that preparations are well under way to include the badger in all official astrological matters dealt with by the department. A spokesperson for the Royal Institute of Pagan Organisations and Federations (R.I.P.O.F.) however has stated that the badger is an American sign and has no place in european paganism. “We will not be entertaining any badgers here at the Institute”.
It seems that old rivalries are still alive and well in the realms of official paganism here in the UK.

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14.09.06

History on your Driveway.

Posted in Pagan News at 2:04 pm

Tarmac, the aggregates and asphalt supplier has today announced a new range of “Historical” products are to be added to their range.
This new range of graval quarried from such places as Thornborough and as part of the Stonthenge road improvements scheme are offered, at a premium, to interested parties by special arrangement.
“What better way to commemorate the great moniments of Britain than to incorporate them into your driveway and park your Mondeo on them” said a spokesperson today.
Tarmac plan to extend the scheme to other world heritage sites and are in talks with the relevant authorities. Australia is thought to have turned down the request to quary Uluru but tarmac intend to appeal the decision.

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