Witch, Doctor’s Assistant?

Posted in Pagan News at 9:25 am

Following the shock news that Billie Piper will be quitting her role as Rose Tyler in the successful re-imagining of TV’s Doctor Who, speculation is rife as to who will replace her. Well if media pressure group, Witch Watchers has any say in the matter the Doctor might just be sharing his TARDIS with a young witch. The Burning Times spoke to a representative of the group and asked about their plans; “Well we have seen Doctor Who accompanied by young women from the past, present and future, heck he even had a robot dog at one point but never a witch. We know that there is a sizeable following among the Pagan community and we think it would be a wonderful opportunity for the BBC to acknowledge this.”

We asked how they thought the introduction of a witch would effect a series that has always refuted the existence of magick? “Well we are suggesting that Doctor Who might rescue her from being burnt at the stake during the historical Burning Times. We do understand that until now Doctor Who has never accepted that magick exists but we hope that by introducing it into the programme we can demonstrate that just because science is not capable of measuring it, it doesn’t mean its not there. Can you imagine the sight of our young witch taking out a squad of Daleks with a few well fired spells?”

Yes, well we will just have to wait and see if the Witch Watchers campaign is successful. The Burning Times welcomes any suggestions that our readers have as to who might fill this role.

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Dear Burning Times

Posted in Dear Burning Times at 10:55 am

The Burning Times is pleased to announce a new site feature…

“Dear Burning Times”

We have secured the services of 3 of the countries Top Pagan Agony Witches to solve your little problems.
EMail your questions to agony@theburningtimes.net and our Agony Witches will pick the best and answer them onsite.

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New User Registrations

Posted in Site Info Blog at 11:47 am

User Registrations (required to comment on our stories) are open again.

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Satan Watch

Posted in Pagan News at 9:13 am

The Burning Times has learned of a massive project by the Christian Church worldwide to protect the world from the dark lord who is expected to arrive sometime today.

Codenamed “Satan Watch” the secret project involves placing Christian Ministers in Maternaty Wards across the world to inspect and bless every newborn child born on or around the 6th of June 2006 (6/6/06).

Moonbeam Dancer, a new mother in a London Hospital gave birth to a son just after five past six this morning reported that “A crazy minister guy snatched my son and inspected him from head to toe, splashed him with water and chanted some crazy words over him, I was so scared like it was a christian scarifice ritual or something, If my hubby hadnt been there I dont know what would have happened”

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Coven Lost in Computer Error

Posted in Pagan News at 1:15 pm

A computer disaster has thrown one of the country’s oldest covens into disaray. The Burning Times was granted an exclusive interview with Ancient Grimwalker, the HP of the Order of Bah H’mbug;

“We are the oldest line of Wyches in Europe but that doesn’t mean we do not move with the times,” said Grimwalker. “Ever since Ancient Ramtop pressed his ZX-81 into service we have kept our records on computer. It is after all much more efficient than dusty old books. That was until last Tuesday when the Evils of Hellspawn was unleashed on our PC and we lost all our data.” Grimwalker continued, looking quite grim indeed, “I’ve told our junior members not to download games from the Internet, but i seems these warnings fell on deaf ears.” Grimwalker sighed before continuing; “We could of course refer to our old books, but it seems that they have been mislaid, probably when we moved home a couple of years ago.”

“As a result we have lost contact with some of our members and as they all used sacred and secret craft names we have no idea who or where they may be.”

Grimwalker ask that we reproduce the following volume verbatim as it contains information pertinent to the members of his order:

Isa freezes youth
Old user spills elevenses
Eleven shoes in defence,
Teacher expects limp
Latest hero injures metatarsal

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