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26.05.06

Pagan Quiz Show Planned

Posted in Pagan News at 11:31 am

The Burning Times has learnt that the BBC are planning a Pagan quiz show for their digital channel, BBC4. The show, to be called Never Mind the Warlocks, will feature two teams competing to answer questions on Paganism and related current affairs. The pilot, to be broadcast in June, will be chaired by Nick ‘DIY SOS’ Knowles and feature teams captained by Professor Ronald Hutton and Kevin Carlyon.

It is unlikely however that the same captains would be retained should a series be developed as filming had to be halted twice. This was firstly when the studio was stormed by a group of young witches calling themselves ‘Hutton’s Hotties’ and again later by a group of irate Scots demanding that Carlyon leave the Loch Ness Monster in peace.

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24.05.06

Hidden Message in Eurovision Entry

Posted in Pagan News at 3:13 pm

It has been revealed today that the UK Entry to the Eurovision Song Contest, “Teenage Life” as sung by Daz Sampson contains a hidden, possibly satanic message.
That is at least according to Musicologist Dr. Gerrard.

“When played backwards the hidden message can be heard.”

The Burning Times was unable to persuade Dr. Gerrard to reveal the message as he was concerned about spreading the word of Satan unnecessarily.

“It is clear that the dark lord is using eurovision to distribute his evil message, He is clever and had used Lordi to divert attention away from the real message within Teenage Life”.

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22.05.06

Wicca Man Stumbles

Posted in Pagan News at 10:44 am

The Burning Times has today learnt that production of the much heralded Hollywood movie ‘Wicca Man’ has ceased. The movie, detailing the life of Gerald Gardner and the birth of Wicca, was to star Tom Cruise as Gardner and Joe Pasquale as his apprentice, Kevin Carlyon. The reason for the curtailment of this venture is cited as a breakdown in communication between Mr Cruise and the production company.

“Tom was really hyped about playing this religious leader,” an insider told our reporter. “He did his research, but when he realised that it was largely a made up religion and did not feature aliens corrupting the souls of meek humans, he demanded some changes but the production company refused to budge.”

Cruise, a well known follower of Scientology, refused to comment but was seen crouching on a settee in his agent’s office.

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19.05.06

Lunarwolf Dies in Wild Wolf Park Mishap

Posted in Pagan News at 12:46 pm

A spokesbeing for O.D.O.R. the Otherkin rights group has announced the sad death of one of its founder members.

“It is with great sorrow that we announce the death of Lunarwolf while on a holiday trip to the USA,” said an obviously upset MidniteStarDragon. “He was on a ‘Wolf Experience’ hiking trip through Yellowstone National Park. He saw it as a way to open links with his pack brothers in the wild but it seems that something went wrong and he…” at this point MidniteStarDragon was overcome with emotion and was escorted from the room by some of her friends.

The Burning Times contacted Yellowstone and spoke to Park Ranger Joel “Joel” Barnes-Ewing who was in charge of the hiking party;

“We have strict safety regulations on these hikes, but so help me I don’t want to talk ill of the dead but this man was mad. We came across a pack of Gray Wolves with young, and everyone followed instructions to the tee, but this Looney Wolf fellow, he pulled out a beef on rye and ran straight at them yelling out that he was their brother like.” Ranger Barnes-Ewing continued, obviously in shock. “it was awful, the poor wolves didn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen animals look so scared. It was darn relief when he tripped over that tree root and fell like that.”

Lunarwolf, real name Ted Littlebotham of Pudsey Vale, was taken to nearby Mercy Me Hospital where he was found to have suffered a fatal fracture of his skull. It is understood that Lunarwolf will be buried in the Little Friends Pet Cemetery, next to his beloved poodle ‘Little Wolf’, after a private service in the coming weeks.

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16.05.06

Wicca Man Gathers Apace

Posted in Pagan News at 11:20 am

More details regarding the proposed movie chronicling the rise of Gerald Gardner and his part in the birth of Wicca have been revealed. Tom Cruise will indeed be playing the role of Gardner and has also been confirmed as an associate producer. We understand that he will be joined by Angelina Jolie as Doreen Valiente and Christopher Lee as his rival Alex Sanders. The movie will be titled ‘Wicca Man’ and is due to begin filming in Budapest later this summer.

There are however some concerns over alleged liberties being taking with historical accuracy. An insider from the production company told The Burning Times: “When we discovered that Mr Gardner was no longer making personal appearances, having moved to some place called the Summerlands, we realised that we needed someone to act as a focus for the young witch of today. After a lot of research we decided that we would give Gardner an apprentice, and the ideal choice for this would be the current King of the Witches, Mr Kevin Carlyon. After all he is in the forefront of the pagan community and we understand he is quite attractive to the female demographic.” Rumours have linked this role with Joe Pasquale, but our source would not comment further.

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