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30.04.06

Chameleon Dave Speechless, While Tony’s Gang Can’t Shut Up!

Posted in Pagan News at 5:40 am

David Cameron MPAt a Conservative Party campaign luncheon yesterday, party leader David Cameron MP was unable to complete his speech owing to the sudden disappearance of his mouth. As our exclusive photograph shows, it seems his lips spontaneously fused together, nevertheless his sudden silence received a round of tumultuous applause. Mr Cameron was hurried off stage and it is understood to be recovering at home.

This unusual occurrence happened at the end of a political week where members of the Labour Cabinet have seemed incapable of keeping their own mouths shut. First Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott admitted to having an affair with a member of his staff, then Home Secretary Charles Clarke admitted to having released criminals of overseas origin and failing to deport them.

The Burning Times has learnt from a source within R.I.P.O.F. that it appears a spell cast somewhere within government offices in Whitehall, apparently intended to impede opposition parties from campaigning for the upcoming local elections backfired. While the spell did eventually silence David Cameron, a previous casting misfired resulting in the documented confessions from leading members of the Cabinet. Investigations are, we are assured, under way to uncover the identity of the orchestrator of these magickal dirty tricks.

On asking whether this was likely to be the work of Number 10’s ‘spiritual adviser’ we are assured that Mr Carlyon’s efforts are currently being monopolised in an attempt to enchant Cherie Blair’s hair in an effort to remove the need for stylists.

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27.04.06

The Da-Crowley Code

Posted in Pagan News at 9:55 am

Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code is to pen a sequel based upon the hidden messages in The Book of the Law as transcribed by Aleister Crowley.

In a press release issued through his publishers the bestselling author whose other works include Digital Fortress, Angels & Demons, and Deception Point stated that the new work would be loosley based upon the Crowley text and have elements of The Bible Code (hidden messages in the Torah) thrown in for good measure.

The new story will pick up where his acclaimed novel The Da Vinci Code left off and will weave a web of mystery for the readers to solve while reading.

The exact plot is a closely guarded secret but The Burning Times expect a hidden secret deeper than the original will be revealed to the reader relating to the parentage of a certain messiah.

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25.04.06

Charmless!

Posted in Pagan News at 12:05 pm

It has been confirmed that the final episode of ‘Charmed’ will be screened in May. Producers of the hit show, which dealt with a family of witches vanquishing demons, have denied that this has anything to do with the recent allegations that it, like faux reality show ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’, was in fact a completely fictitious story, and that the Halliwell sisters where indeed played by actresses.

It is believed that a telephone helpline is being set up to deal with the expected calls of anguish and despair from the popular show’s viewers. Counsellors will be available to aid distraught fans, while qualified exorcists will be on hand to deal with any, more demonic problems.

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24.04.06

Riot at St George’s Day Parade

Posted in Pagan News at 3:09 pm

St George’s Day revelries were cut short in the village of Lower Wrestham yesterday when the annual slaying of the dragon was mobbed by a group of protesters. A group of people dressed as mythical and exotic beasts are reported to have erupted from the crowd and formed a ring around the ‘dragon’ preventing ‘St George’ from approaching.

“It really upset my little boy,” said Mrs Jane Hazeldine, mother of Johnny (9) who was playing the part of St George. “He was right in tears by the time the police got here. Little Robin who was the dragon mind, he was over the moon!”

The police were called when a fracas erupted between the crowd and the protesters. It was revealed later that the protesters were members of the militant rights group Organised Demonstrations for Otherkin Recognition. We spoke to Lunarwolf, a representative of the group and he told us; “ODOR was formed to promote equal rights and recognition for Otherkin, something which this government seems to be avoiding. Some time ago they promised us passports that would reflect our status, but they claim they are still unable to trace our unique genetic markers despite ample donations of bodily fluids from the Otherkin communities.” When asked why ODOR would target a play enacted by children, he replied, “Well some of our members are dragons and they take it very personally when children are taught that its alright to slay members of their kin.”

The protesters were released on bail pending charges of causing an affray and seeking to impersonate mythical beasts.

The Burning Times understands that future re-enactments of this type are under review following new laws being introduced to protect mythical beasts.

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Do You Have Fairies at the Bottom of Your Garden?

Posted in Pagan News at 2:25 pm

That is the question the RSPCF are asking this coming May Day weekend. At the launch of what is described as the biggest, most comprehensive survey of its kind, chairman of the society, Peter Cottington-Smythe said, “There hfairiesasn’t been a survey of our native fairykind since my great great great aunt Lady Angelica Cottington presented her, er, collection to The Regular .” In 1907 The Regular, a monthly magazine, published photographs of the young Angelica with what appeared to be fairies. Despite being greeted by many in the general public as a hoax, it lead to the foundation of the Fairy Society, which became the RSPCF with the granting of a Royal warrant in 1964

“There have been some concerns over the falling numbers of the Common Spiggot and the spread of the North American Blue Goblyn,”continued Mr Cottington-Smythe, “So we hope that everyone will take some time to count the species that visit their gardens.”

Fairywatch, a special programme hosted by Bill Oddie will be shown on WiccaTV over the weekend, times vary so check your listings. WiccaTV channel 666 Sky, 606/660 NTL, 651 Telewest. Not available on Freeview

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