A spokes-bishop took the time to address the gathered press and gave the following statement to our reporter.
“Samhain or Halloween is based on the Ancient Christian festival of All Saints, as such it is clear that the church has the right to cancel this pagan festival of darkness, this has been confirmed by our crack team of Holy Lawyers, Personally, I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner. See you all in Church.”

So there we have it, cancel any plans you had for Friday and put your feet up in front of the telly instead.

Their Lord and Leader, Red-Bearded Mahone, came to the door of the Presidential Palace at 478b Oxford Road to make the announcement public this morning.

Dressed in his red flannel robes of state he addressed the crowds in a solemn, slightly hung-over, tone and then proceeded to pick grilled cheese from his beard and eat it as the plans were brought forward by his deputy.

“We live in interesting times,” announced Mahone, “ones in which us pagans must embrace the times; must reach for the stars…”

When asked where inspiration for the design had come from, Mahone explained: “Our vision was simple: a giant, planet-sized carrot.”

Meanwhile the Yagdrasil Army of Real Pagans (YARP) are outraged, claiming that the design for the two-mile long orange vegetable-shaped vessel was in fact their idea and threatening to take IRP to court over breach of copyright.

This is not the first time that YARP and IRP have come to blows. In November 2004 YARP claim that their design for the first ever Pagan deep-sea submarine called the Sea Cucumber, was also snatched and turned into a farcical attempt to navigate the River Thames disguised as a long, brown turd.

“It was a mockery,” exclaimed Martin Over, spokesperson for YARP, “It looked nothing like a sea cucumber!”

If building goes to plan, IRP expect to launch their first deep-space attempt in time for Yule.

“We hope to be drinking mead on the moon this year,” Mahone said optimistically.

As an addition to the more usual Dog food and Glue Mr. Trottbagger of Trottbagger and Sons Knackery is to offer services to Occultists. “It doesn’t matter to me if the old nags end up as glue, fertilizer, dog food or used in some bizarre occult mumbo jumbo so long as I gets me cash” Mr. Trottbagger said to gathered reporters.

Representatives of Local Occult groups, Equestrian groups and pretty much everyone else we asked were heard to remark that this was the craziest thing they had ever heard.

The village of Great Rollright has for many centuries been the epitome of quintessentially British peach and tranquillity. Sitting atop the border of Oxfordshire and Warwickshire it has long attracted antiquarians from across the country to admire its ancient stone circle.

All of this changed last month however when residents began to complain in their droves of late-night noise and rowdy behaviour from the once whispering Knights.

These stones of old make up part of a ritual burial mound in the field adjacent to the main circle. It has been common knowledge throughout ages past that at midnight each night these gentle giants roll down to the stream to drink before tucking in for the night.

No one is quite sure why, but residents report that as of last month the stones have deviated from their usual routine. Instead of going to the stream to drink, they have been going further afield, to the Blue Boar at Chipping Norton.

One villager who does not wish to be named for fear of reprisals sated: “They come home at all hours, such a racket they make, they wake the whole village up.”

Another local man explained “I was almost killed last week by one rolling home drunk. Right down the middle of the road he came, singing something about not getting no satisfaction.”

One possible motive for such raucous behaviours has been blamed on the increase in donations made to the site. Professor Dibblington of Antiquated Stone Studies at nearby Oxford University explained:

“In the old days people weren’t so rich, or ‘bling’ if you like, they would visit the stones and maybe leave ten pence or a small piece of crystal in an orifices as an offering. It wasn’t much but it was of huge sentimental value. Today people earn far more money and don’t think twice about stuffing a fiver into their pocket or leaving a valuable time-piece, such as a Cartier wrist watch.”

Professor Dibblington’s theory is that the Knights have been cashing in these valuable offerings to fund their drinking binges and suggests that the only way to curb this trend would be to give the offering to a committee of villagers who can ensure that the money is used to rehabilitate and detox the stones rather than giving it directly to the stones which only fuels the problem.

The troubles came to a head last year when the Knights returned home so drunk that they decided to play a practical joke on their neighbouring stones by coating them in red paint. This caused huge national outrage and many thousands of pound were spent in clean-up operations and counselling.

Locals are worried that if the binging remains unchecked, worse is to follow.

Each player takes a turn placing letter tiles on the board as in the more traditional version of the game. After each complete round the players place one finger on the Ouijabble planchette and invite the spirits to spell out a word, for each letter chosen from the great beyond the player who placed that tile scores bonus points based upon its face value.

Ouijabble is expected to be in stores by mid year. Talks are ongoing for a facebook version of the game.

Government officials had indicated that Lord Carlyon of Hogwash, the Government’s Official Spellcaster, had been working hard to ensure an English victory. Knowing how important this win was to England as it would enable them to gloat for the next 40 years no matter what, Lord Carlyon had been instructed to pour all his energies into making it happen. A new department had been set up, Department of Occult and Obscure Magick (DOOM) but some consider that the acronym of the department may have had something to do with the defeat.

One of DOOM’s sister departments (Branch for Unspecified Malign Manifestations and Eventual Repercussions) BUMMER, said that Lord Carlyon’s position was looking distinctly shaky at the moment. His Canute-like inability to stop the flooding which devastated England during the “summer” led to some rumours that his powers may be waning, and this latest debacle in his anus horribilis has led some insiders to speculate that his reign may soon be over.

An insider from DOOM said that steps were already underway to appoint a new Government Spellcaster, and that approaches to the eminent magician, Paul Daniels, had been made.

Burning Times contacted Paul Daniels and was welcomed in by his lovely wife, Debbie McGee, who asked us to wait a moment while her millionaire husband adjusted his new toupee. When Burning Times asked Mr Daniels for his views on his becoming the new Government Spellcaster, Mr Daniels said that “I’d like that! But not a lot!”

The drug in question is known as Paganol and often has a pentagram or devil’s star pattern on one side .
Paganol has a psychotropic and hallucinogenic affect on its victims which, in conjunction with some carefully chosen words from the Pagan attacker will cause the victim to deny their Christian faith and convert to Paganism.

In low doses the effects are reversible with the help of a trained Christian minister, in high doses however the effect is irreversible.

Other symptoms shown by a Paganol victim include a fascination with Crystals and wearing the colours Purple, Red, and Gold.

Victims and the families/friends of suspected victims are urged to contact their local church for help.

Our Burning Times reporter interviewed Albert Fletcher of Leeds, a master craftsman of broomsticks who says that there are several reasons for this. “Many witches just won’t spend their brass on buying craftsman made broomsticks, the silly buggers prefer to buy cheap imports from Taiwan or worse still copy them daft DIY programmes on t’ telly to make their own. Then they wonder why they become croppers.” He sighed shaking his head, “We never had this trouble in t’war,” he said, “People had to get by in them days with rationing and the like, it’s this bloody penchant for Wiccan cakes and ale milarkey that I blame. Broad arses just don’t fit so well anymore on the broomsticks.”

Maureen ‘Melons’ Mimblebee from London agrees telling our reporter, “I was in such fear of toppling off my broomstick that I had to lean forward to use my ample bosom to help me balance” she said indicating a huge upright bosom that almost appeared to defy gravity. “My poor pussy was having to grip so tightly to stay on that broomstick that all her hair was standing on end and she was sore for days afterwards. She’s never known such trauma, you could hear the broomstick breaking as we flew through the air. We crash landed in a haystack.”

Our Burning Times reporter will be investigating further into this matter, the broomsticks that is not the condition of Ms Mimblebee’s pussy.

Police have identified the attacker as one “Cerne Abbas”, described as approx 180ft tall and between 400 and 500 years old.

Mr Simpson is recovering in Hospital under the watchful eye of Dr. Nick Riviera.

Members of the public are warned not to approach Mr Abbas, still at large and believed to be armed with a club.