17.04.12
Posted in Pagan News
at 2:24 pm
Leading experts have expressed concern over the growing proportion of the UK troll population which is now taking up residence on the internet.
The destruction and disturbance of the trolls’ natural habitats through activities such as urban expansion and fracking has meant that, like so many creatures before them – red foxes, pigeons and feral chickens included – trolls are finding themselves under pressure to find new homes and new sources of food. This has resulted in increasing numbers of trolls making their way onto the internet. Whilst sightings of the elusive internet-troll were once rare, they are increasinly becoming a familiar sight:
“They’re everywhere I look these days,” internet user Mona Lott told The Burning Times, “I can barely check my e-mails without coming across one of them. Something needs to be done now before things get out of hand!“
Like city foxes internet trolls are generally considered to be problematic, but there are fears that some internet-goers will deliberately leave out food for them in the misguided belief that these internet-invaders are endearing. Unfortunately, this practice will most likely lead to an explosion in population size, further exacerbating the problem and making trapping and culls necessary in the future.
Of course, the internet is not the only potential habitat open to trolls; plans are already underway to troll-proof London Underground tunnels during next week’s planned strike action. An inside source confessed to our reporter that there were fears that the generally slow-witted and ugly creatures may already have infiltrated the tunnels, unnoticed, via station platforms.
Underground passengers are encouraged to report any sightings.
Reported by: M. K. Rish
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14.04.12
Posted in Pagan News
at 11:54 pm
Fix scandal at ‘Raintree’ Racecourse – 14th April 2012.
Today saw the running of the Grand National, widely known as the most famous horse race in the world for horses with 4 legs (this restriction being controversially introduced after Sleipnir’s run of 23 victories which began to destroy the gambling industry). Whilst many humans and horses from around the world were glued to their TV screens the even more dedicated were attending the event first-hand.
Unfortunately the dedicated fans of this gentle and modest sport (where only two horses lost their lives today) may have been the unwitting third party casualties of a huge Godly argument and the workings of a terrible fix.
As we all know, even more important than the race itself is the Grand National Ladies’ Day, which took place yesterday. An unnamed source has informed this reporter that an old dispute (for which the origins are now unclear but almost certainly involved eggs) came to a head yesterday when Aztec God Tlaloc convinced Greek God Poseidon to help him ruin his Aztec rival, Macuilxochitl’s, Grand National Ladies’ Day party with a huge downpour.
Macuilxochitl had made great efforts to make the Grand National and Grand National Ladies’ Day as special as ever and is reported to be very upset.
Another victim of this terrible sabotage was the lovely Queen of WAGs, Mrs Rooney, whose Christian Louboutin heels were simply ruined by wet mud.
It is rumoured that Tlaloc’s personal intentions were simply to upset his Aztec enemy but Poseidon’s agreement to help was due to a very large bet on his Roman namesake “Neptune Collonges” which ended up the victor the following day, coming in at 33/1 and earning Poseidon a pretty penny. The unnamed source stated that the irrigation combined with the precise amount of rainfall created “good to soft” ground that was pinpoint perfect for Neptune Collonges, assuring he was the winner. He stated that only a God could have such accuracy and cunning.
Our thoughts are with Mrs Rooney today and I think we will all be in agreement that this has been a sad couple of day for games, gambling, and glamour alike. We will all have to see how this prestigious event recovers from such scandal.
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12.10.11
Posted in Pagan News
at 12:47 pm
By our roving Reporter Hippydylan
In an escalation of hostilities, a large section of Cornish coastline recently disappeared into the sea.
Recent territorial skirmishes between rival factions of Piskies and Spriggans, searching for coveted “Spotters” sites, have left several clans of Knockers hole-less when the disputed land was ‘mistakenly’ reduced to rubble in a surprise attack using discarded ‘Potter’ wand shards.
Both factions are denying responsibility, with each stating, “It were unt us’n did it. It were them others….you can’t trust ‘em y’know!”
The clans of Knockers left hole-less were lucky that they’d chosen that day to visit Culdrose and Flambards and had left only one of their number behind to keep an eye on a band of fanatical and hysterical geologists, known to be roaming the area and attempting to film the unwary.
Amazingly, a record of the incident appeared soon afterwards on Youtube filmed by these alleged geologists and the lone Knocker can clearly be heard screaming as unfortunate articles were exposed to the elements (and camera). Luckily the sound was attributed to a nearby excitable female who, glad of the publicity, readily accepted responsibility.
Peacekeepers from Castle Treen are said to be heading along the coast to begin negotiations and in the meantime, the displaced Knockers are being housed by the Gnome Office.
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30.06.11
Posted in Pagan News
at 6:18 pm
It was revealed today that the strange tidal phenomena experienced along the South Coast of England yesterday were caused by mermaids. There was much confusion and alarm as people reported rivers flowing backwards, a mini tsunami and varying sea levesl stretching from Penzance to Portsmouth. Scientists tried to dismiss this with explanations of an undersea landslide in an effort to quell any panic but the Burning Times has received exclusive information which reveals that this was in fact due to a group of bored mermaids.
Well known Cornish mermaid and shop owner Nymphadora Oddfish confided that she had been informed (by a reliable source) that the antics of a few bored mermaids had caused the problems experiened along the South Coast. “People don’t realise” she stated “just how powerful mermaids can be and they can become particularly mischievious when they have nothing to do, though even I must admit they have excelled themselves this time”. Ms. Oddfish was asked why the mermaids were bored and replied “Well with so many people glued to their TV’s watching Wimbledon, there are less folk about for the mermaids to tease and torment. Hopefully once the tennis is finished things should return to normal”. In a final comment Ms Oddfish advised everyone to be on their guards next year when the Olympics are in full swing, as the mermaids may well be tempted to cause further mayhem.
Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood
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29.06.11
Posted in Pagan News
at 12:38 pm
It has been announced today that in line with plans to bring in parents to help out in Muggle shools during the expected strike by teachers this Thursday, Hogwarts will be utilising their house elves in a similar capacity. Most parents are happy about the plans but there has been some discontent amongst some of the “pure blood” parents. Sopholis P. Gertrudge of the Hampshire Gertrudges, complained that it was not fitting that his daughter Aubretia should be put in a situation where she would have to show respect to a house elf. “It is my opinion” said Mr. Gertrudge “that the teachers are behaving in an irresponsible manner by leaving our children in the care of what can only be described “as inferior beings” “. In response, Jeggle Pod a representative for the Hogwarts house elves added “Us house elves are used to being abused by certain members of the Wizarding community but you think they would be a bit more grateful, after all it’s thanks to us that they don’t have to put up with their little b*****s back home for an extra day!”
Head of Pastoral Care at Hogwarts, Levictus Stikwell told us that there had been no other option but to use the house elves “Nobody else wanted to look after the little brats and the house elves have to do what they’re told anyway”.
Teachers are striking due to the Ministry’s determination to raise the retirement age which currently stands at 77 to 96 and to half the state pension from 84 sickles and 22 knuts to 41 sickles and 11 knuts per week.
Reporter: Ms. Mirkwood
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