A leading family board game producer has joined forces with a leading spiritualist group to produce a new spiritual version of the best selling Scrabble game. Ouijabble is described as a cross between A Ouija board and scrabble.
Each player takes a turn placing letter tiles on the board as in the more traditional version of the game. After each complete round the players place one finger on the Ouijabble planchette and invite the spirits to spell out a word, for each letter chosen from the great beyond the player who placed that tile scores bonus points based upon its face value.
Ouijabble is expected to be in stores by mid year. Talks are ongoing for a facebook version of the game.
Anger was growing last night following England’s defeat at the Rugby World Cup in Paris at the hands of the South Africans. Disgruntled fans, who had been assured by the media that England would definitely win, were looking to the government for answers as to why this win did not materialise. The players themselves, who had been looking forward to a victorious welcome home, topped off with knighthoods and a spot on a celebrity “reality†TV show were said to be absolutely distraught at their defeat.
Government officials had indicated that Lord Carlyon of Hogwash, the Government’s Official Spellcaster, had been working hard to ensure an English victory. Knowing how important this win was to England as it would enable them to gloat for the next 40 years no matter what, Lord Carlyon had been instructed to pour all his energies into making it happen. A new department had been set up, Department of Occult and Obscure Magick (DOOM) but some consider that the acronym of the department may have had something to do with the defeat.
One of DOOM’s sister departments (Branch for Unspecified Malign Manifestations and Eventual Repercussions) BUMMER, said that Lord Carlyon’s position was looking distinctly shaky at the moment. His Canute-like inability to stop the flooding which devastated England during the “summer†led to some rumours that his powers may be waning, and this latest debacle in his anus horribilis has led some insiders to speculate that his reign may soon be over.
An insider from DOOM said that steps were already underway to appoint a new Government Spellcaster, and that approaches to the eminent magician, Paul Daniels, had been made.
Burning Times contacted Paul Daniels and was welcomed in by his lovely wife, Debbie McGee, who asked us to wait a moment while her millionaire husband adjusted his new toupee. When Burning Times asked Mr Daniels for his views on his becoming the new Government Spellcaster, Mr Daniels said that “I’d like that! But not a lot!â€
The church has issued a press release warning all good Christians to be on their guard following the discovery that pagans are using a new ‘paganing’ drug to convert God-fearing Christians to their evil Pagan cult.
The drug in question is known as Paganol and often has a pentagram or devil’s star pattern on one side .
Paganol has a psychotropic and hallucinogenic affect on its victims which, in conjunction with some carefully chosen words from the Pagan attacker will cause the victim to deny their Christian faith and convert to Paganism.
In low doses the effects are reversible with the help of a trained Christian minister, in high doses however the effect is irreversible.
Other symptoms shown by a Paganol victim include a fascination with Crystals and wearing the colours Purple, Red, and Gold.
Victims and the families/friends of suspected victims are urged to contact their local church for help.
Leading weight loss management group Witch Weight Watchers have voiced concerns over reports of weak broomsticks breaking under the weight of modern witches with potentially fatal consequences. “Many of our members have suffered serious injury as a result of this,” Madame Dundee, company spokeswoman said. When asked by Burning Times if perhaps this was because the witches were too overweight for the broomsticks in question, Madame Dundee’s triple chins wobbled in indignation. “Our members weight has nothing to do with this, it’s the broomsticks at fault and I want the government to investigate this as a matter of some urgency.”
Our Burning Times reporter interviewed Albert Fletcher of Leeds, a master craftsman of broomsticks who says that there are several reasons for this. “Many witches just won’t spend their brass on buying craftsman made broomsticks, the silly buggers prefer to buy cheap imports from Taiwan or worse still copy them daft DIY programmes on t’ telly to make their own. Then they wonder why they become croppers.” He sighed shaking his head, “We never had this trouble in t’war,” he said, “People had to get by in them days with rationing and the like, it’s this bloody penchant for Wiccan cakes and ale milarkey that I blame. Broad arses just don’t fit so well anymore on the broomsticks.”
Maureen ‘Melons’ Mimblebee from London agrees telling our reporter, “I was in such fear of toppling off my broomstick that I had to lean forward to use my ample bosom to help me balance” she said indicating a huge upright bosom that almost appeared to defy gravity. “My poor pussy was having to grip so tightly to stay on that broomstick that all her hair was standing on end and she was sore for days afterwards. She’s never known such trauma, you could hear the broomstick breaking as we flew through the air. We crash landed in a haystack.”
Our Burning Times reporter will be investigating further into this matter, the broomsticks that is not the condition of Ms Mimblebee’s pussy.
CCTV Footage obtained exclusively by The Burning Times reveals a vicious assault and robbery today at a well know Pagan sacred site.
Victim, Homer Simpson of Springfield was Hit with a club and had his Doughnut stolen by the naked attacker.
Police have identified the attacker as one “Cerne Abbas”, described as approx 180ft tall and between 400 and 500 years old.
Mr Simpson is recovering in Hospital under the watchful eye of Dr. Nick Riviera.
Members of the public are warned not to approach Mr Abbas, still at large and believed to be armed with a club.
